What does it mean to be an introvert? It means sitting on twitter instead of calling your parents back. It means going to a coffee shop to write, but leaving because you can’t have a table to yourself. It means spending all of your time at home on Facebook, rather than attending your friend’s birthday party, because you hate being the center of attention. You want to talk to people, but you don’t want them to talk to you.
Face it, you’re probably an introvert. That’s why you’re here reading this instead of attending your brother’s graduation. The seclusion is comfortable, but it has its downsides – chiefly, you want companionship.
But, how can you meet people if you can’t talk to them? For the answer, we look to nature. “Follow your nose,” as a famous cereal parrot would say. Non-social animals barely communicate at all, yet they still have sex. The nocturnal vole remains in its parents den well throughout maturity, attracting potential mates by fermenting its saliva in its own feces. Without as much as making eye contact with their mate (they’re blind) they successfully pair-bond and seal the deal the way nature intended – with scent and coercion.
Humans are socially indirect creatures, beings of subtlety and suggestion, our hidden estrus and Blurred Lines are indicative of this, and thus, we must only hint at attraction, not explicitly state it. What better way to say, “I may like you, but you’ll have to figure it out,” than by playing DS at a bar while drenched in something called Violent Rain?
So what’s the most effective cologne an introvert can employ to cast off their social ineptitude and crippling anxiety, foray into the extroverted world of bars and student activity centers, and participate in hookup culture? Axe body spray of course. Axe body spray for introverts. Through extensive research with pick-up artist focus groups, Axe has developed specific scents exclusively for the shut in who doesn’t want to be shut out.
Here’s a quick survey of the most popular varieties:
Ah yes, bacon. Is there anything it doesn’t improve? Well, maybe your blood pressure, but everyone can agree that almost anything is better with bacon – especially conversations. Just as those delicious strips of pig belly cook and shrink in their own fat, so shall your inhibitions. Watch that fist in your throat shrivel into nothing more than another lipoma in your robust neck. Axe’s Bacon will attract a woman just as salty and stripped as your favorite breakfast side dish. The only thing left for you to figure out is how she likes her eggs in the morning.
A medley of citrus and musk, Forbidden Hobby is evocative of an attic filled with old Nintendo Power magazines, largely neglected and given only a perfunctory Lysol treatment once a year for several decades. The attic – the perfect allegory for your emotional lockbox, your latent desires and obfuscated interests, buried way below your external identity of a meme-shirt wearing, connoisseur of Family Guy quotes. Just a quick spritz before the next Smash Brothers tournament and you’ll be in a girl’s sweatpants before the next Dragon Con.
The distinct smell of O3 from a faulty electrical motor is all too familiar to the model train enthusiast. While indicative of a problem, it also signifies an opportunity for pleasurable train maintenance. In many ways, a woman is like a train. Deceptively powerful in regards to how slow she is, elegant and beautiful, collectible, and ultimately worthless without a great caboose. As much as you’d like to miniaturize yourself and live in your stupid tiny train world, it’s time to pick yourself up by your overalls, don some Conductor, and get onboard the Pussy Getter Express.
Remember as a child when the other neighborhood kids would fill their super soakers with urine and you’d become public enemy number one? Remember crying at first but sitting at home in your own filth, secretly enjoying the scent and discovering your nascent sexuality? Remember a time when being a diaper lover didn’t involve being a part of a blossoming internet community and was no more than your own secret shame, before it lost its innocence and the humiliation aspect was distilled? That’s exactly what you get with Hidden Impulse, a bouquet of wet cardboard and baby wipes that’s sure to trigger subconscious repressed attraction from potential suitors.
Pheromones are abundant in human sweat. In fact, some say the best cologne is what your body naturally produces, to an extent that the odor of your partner, over time, becomes pleasant and intriguing. But, the smell of body odor alone is too oppressive, and it lacks a playfulness required for a delightfully pungent bottled product. Giddy Stench captures the tones and textures of the shoe-tree outside of the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Something about an unwashed child screams, “hey, I’m dirty, but I’m fun!”
And just so the ladies don’t feel left out, Axe is introducing BOX, a new line of body sprays specifically for women. Lady introverts need not feel excluded either, as a new flavor, Implied Conscent, is set to hit shelves this fall. Conscent is a potent cocktail of disgorged rail vodkas, placebo birth control pills, and melted down jelly shoes. Taking perfume a step further, it even penetrates the skin, enters the bloodstream, and inhibits memory and self-esteem, providing the wearer with the requisite shame and inebriation needed to fuck someone with a rage comic tattoo.