Internal Monologue While Hooking Up
Oh boy. Here we go again. I’m about to clarify the definition of ‘is’. I’m about to have sexual relations with a hipster. Have you heard about these people? They’re like the cast of Revenge of The Nerds on the set of Friends. This girl looks like someone beat up Urkle in a janitors closet and stole his clothes to sneak into a rock and roll music concert. Alright Jay, don’t blow this. This isn’t one of your cars. This is a real girl with feelings and a body and not just something to bang and leave in the garage. But she’s all revved up, maybe I should leave her in the garage! Hah, come on folks! We’re having fun here.
Now we’re making out. That’s a an odd term, isn’t it? Making out? We’re not really making anything, and things aren’t going out, they’re going in! They should call it getting face! What’s that, Kevin? They do? Huh! Learn something every day, I guess. Speaking of learning, did you hear about that teacher that had sex with a student? Apparently the student got an A but the teacher got the D. Now they’re sending her to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect last night’s homework. Go direct… oops, whoops. What am I doing with my hands?
I should reach down and touch her boobs. Hey, these are great boobs! have you seen these? Have you heard about these? They’re definitely fake, though. All saline. There’s more salt water in these babies than the water near the Exxon Valdez crash. In fact the only thing less ‘real’ than these boobs is Snooki’s tan. I haven’t felt anything this fake since the Y2k scare. They’re harder and colder than Tonya Harding’s fists. Oh, whoops! Starting to lose my boner. Play it cool, Jay. Can’t let her see my hanging chad. Going limp now would make you look fruitier than Richard Simmons doing interior decorating. Hey, I’d like to decorate her interior – with semen!
Oh boy, she’s on her knees now. I think she’s gonna give me one of those blow jobs I keep hearing about. Have you heard about this? Apparently a woman will take your penis, and put it in her mouth. Yeah, thats right. If I had to guess, I’m pretty sure that’s what Charlie Sheen meant by ‘winning.’ Hey, alright. The only difference between Bill Clinton and myself now is that Bill knew when to resign. Hey, come on folks, I’m just kidding. Conan can fill this girl’s spot for all I care. If Bush can go two terms, I can keep my show.
Wow, this feels pretty good. It’s like a jacuzzi for your penis, only instead of jets it’s a tongue, and instead of chlorine its too many mint juleps. Wow, she’s swallowing it up faster than you can say Living La Vida Loca. She looks hungrier than Calista Flockhart two weeks into beach season. I should tell her to slow down, like real slow, like waiting for a World Wide Web page to load on Dial Up Internet on my Microsoft Windows 95 Personal Computer slow.
Wow, she’s got her vagina shaved. She left just a bit though, just a small patch. Have you seen this? Do you know about this? They call it the ‘Rachel.’ No! Of course not folks, it’s called a ‘landing strip.’ Like for an airplane. Funny, I think a better name would be the cock pit. Wouldn’t it?
You used to be able to smoke on planes, we all remember that. They banned smoking, but left the ashtrays. That’s like impeaching Clinton but leaving the blue dress in the oval office. If we were doing this on a plane we’d technically become members of “The Mile High Club.” Have you heard about this? It’s not what you think – Bob Marley and the Dude You’re Getting A Dell kid are not involved. Oh boy, I really have to fart. I’m holding onto it harder than Elian Gonzales holding onto a lifeboat.
Great, she wants me to use a condom. Condoms help prevent the spread of S.T.Ds. Have you heard about these? They’re diseases you can only get from having sex. Yeah. By the way, STD doesn’t stand for Smiling Till Dawn. Really, folks. Have you ever noticed how condoms are the only wrapper, that comes in a wrapper? That is of course, assuming you don’t know what Kriss Kross does behind close doors! Oh come on folks, I’m kidding! She’s opening it with her teeth. It looks like Gary Busey trying to use a floppy disk. Hey lady, you know what really bites? Reality. Reality Bites starring Ben Stiller.
Oh, nope. That’s it. I’ve already cum. Sorry folks. They call this, ‘pre-mature ejaculation,’ did you know that? It’s the only time where showing up early to something – is embarrassing. Well, I guess this and the people out there waiting in line for Star Wars Episode One to premiere in theaters. The only way you’ll see that many virgins in one place is if you commit jihad.
Well. Now she’s crying and walking out the door. I haven’t seen something that loud and wet since El Niño.
I’m alone now. I should probably call one of my people to make sure she gets into an ‘accident’ on the way home. Did I ever tell you guys I fucked Princess Di?