I Really Hope This Is How You File For Divorce

The thing was, you probably had no idea. We had such a great life in our big house, big pool, flat screen TV. But marriage is more than just material goods, it’s about patience–the patience to listen, the patience to breathe, the patience to qualify for alimony.

There you were, this morning, sleeping peacefully, hooked up to your oxygen while I lathered myself up in front of the pool boy to try to get his attention. I realized that this was it, the end of our life together. It almost seemed to be too idyllic; a vision of a perfect marriage.

But let’s be honest here, for once. You were an 80-year old shipping tycoon and I was a former model with too much botox and too many hours in the tanning bed.

So writing this explanation on this random website that I found seemed the best way to tell you: I want a divorce. I really hope this is how you file divorce papers. I googled “thinking about divorce” and it brought me here.

Here’s Merriam Webster’s ’s definition of divorce: the action or instance of legally dissolving a marriage. I feel like that should be included in a divorce request.

Maybe it was fate that you would find out this way. Did you ever really love me? Did I ever really love you? Not really, no I was just doing it for the money.

Seriously, is this official yet? Does this website connect to a lawyer?

 

Sign here ________________________________________________

We are divorced.

 

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